Outlasts my Man

Dear Rachel and Claire,
My boyfriend is worried about his stamina and premature ejaculation. I know there are techniques that are supposed to help. However I was also wondering if there are any other things to add on top of that—is there a special lubricant or condom that would help? Anything you could tell me would be great!

Thanks!

Outlasts my man

A:

Dear Outlasts,

Skip the negative approach of the desensitizing creams and the thick swaths of rubber. It doesn’t make sense to numb oneself for sex, since the whole point is to enjoy the good feelings. Muffling them is no way to live.

Fortunately there is another way. Your boyfriend needs to learn how to control when he ejaculates, which he can do if he learns when the "point of no return" is. Just before that point of orgasmic inevitability, he can back off.

Here’s how:

• Squeeze Technique. Just before the point of no return, you or he should firmly grasp the base of the penis and squeeze. Squeeze hard enough to prevent the orgasm, by literally blocking the ejaculate. Keep the pressure on until that feeling of "I’m gonna come" fades. He then should be ready for more stimulation. After you/he have done this a few times, he should become more able to pull back from orgasm without the squeeze.

• Masters & Johnson prescribe a program of ceasing stimulation just before the point of no return. First he would do this while masturbating (backing off a few times before coming). Then you could do it together as a couple, with hand or blow jobs; he would have to tell you to "stop" and you would stop giving him any stimulation while he calmed down. Some folks communicate with hand signals instead of talking—do whatever works for you. The next step is intercourse with you on top, him lying still. Again, stop when he says stop. As he gets better able to back off from coming, he can get more active, pumping himself and eventually getting on top if that's what you like. M & J suggest this program take several weeks.

• Deep breathing. Many times premature ejaculation is caused by anxiety–deep breathing helps provide the calm which will slow things down.

• Move attention away from the genitals. Not by thinking about baseball scores or some other non-erotic thoughts, but pay attention to sexy feelings in other parts of the body.

• Practice Kegels. Hyperactive pelvic muscles have been linked to premature ejaculation. Kegel exercises (imagine stopping the flow of urine for a beat of three, then release, do it in sets of twelve) can both tone the muscles of orgasm and help them to relax.

• Multi-orgasmic man? If he likes learning and getting better at sex, get the book the Multi-Orgasmic Man, which offers training on separating orgasm from ejaculation, and thus being able to come multiple times a night.

• Experience is the best teacher. The more he delays orgasm, the better he will get at delaying orgasm. Young men with less sexual experience often come faster, because they haven't learned how to back off yet. Practice will make him perfect, so stick around.