Not So Kinky

Dear Rachel and Claire,

I recently started dating this guy who is very kinky and rough in bed. I have never had this type of action in the bedroom and I am a little shy when it comes to it. I want to be able to return the favors and join in on the action but am not sure how. I was thinking of buying some toys to entice him and also I but I really don't know what to get. Any suggestions for a beginner?

— Not So Kinky

A:

Dear Not So Kinky,

Hopefully your desire to return the favor comes from the fact that you really enjoy the rough sex. Do you? If you don’t, make sure that you’re getting what you want in bed too and that you’re not just doing what he likes.

Assuming you like it, you may not need to do anything other than be a willing beginner.  Playing with someone who is a newbie to kinky sex can be a pleasure. Rather than being full of opinions and preferences when it comes to rough sex, you are in that wonderful unprejudiced state of being open to everything. It may be that your man really enjoys that quality in you and is not looking for reciprocity.

It’s mistaken to think that because someone likes giving a spanking (for instance), that they want to be on the receiving end of the paddle. Many folks prefer to dole out the kink, and like partners who are primarily responsive. But some do want to switch, in which case your taking the reins would be welcome. The only ways to find out are to ask or to try it.

If you want to entice your sweetie with toys, make it something you think would get you off. Imagine the two of you having really hot sex with toys. What toys do you imagine? Those are the ones to get. Without knowing more about what you like, I couldn’t tell you whether to get the Nipple Clamps or a g-spot vibrator, or something else.

The best way to join in the fun is to connect with your own erotic energy. Let your passion express itself freely, whether that means kissing or biting, and your expressiveness will work with his to create a circuit that makes you both high.