What is a praise kink?
Most of us love a good compliment - being applauded for doing a good job, being admired for our personality, getting wanted attention for our looks or style - so, if that’s a normal thing, what makes a praise kink a kink?
Virtually any kink might have some real-world, non-sexualized parallel, and this is a great example of that - so, while enjoying getting praise is one thing, having it be a sexual turn-on is another. Author of Exhibitionism for the Shy, Carol Queen PhD, puts it plainly: “Praise kink happens in a sexually-charged or kinky/power exchange context, which is not generally the way we hear compliments in everyday life.” The way that the praise is given, the intent behind it, who we share it with, and the physical reactions that we feel are all part of that important distinction.
So, in short, if hearing a compliment or a phrase of affirmation turns you on, or if it gets you going to validate a partner with words - you very well may have a praise kink.
Why do some people have a praise kink?
Like any kink, our reasons for it are unique experiences, but here are some common reasons we hear:
-
One of your love languages is words of affirmation. Hearing out loud how a much a partner cares for you, feels for you, and/or thinks about you is an important, if not vital, way to communicate the shared value of your relationship.
-
You want or need to know how you are making your partner feel. Having a partner validate you by expressing that they like what you’re doing is not only a great way to know and learn what they like physically, but this also serves as a great opportunity to check in and get or give enthusiastic consent.
If this need is for reassurance, that’s okay, too - sometimes we get in our own heads, and if having a clear communication that you’re doing a great job is what keeps you in the right mindset, there’s no shame in that. -
You like vocal sex. Moaning and other vocalizations can be super hot - and so can words! Dirty talk, praise, screaming someone’s name - these can all be a huge turn-on solely for the sound of it, and can be a super accessible way to spice up your sex life.
Praise + BDSM:
When it comes to power exchange in kink, we often think of activities that revolve around the idea of control and/or punishment. Playing with praise can not only be a huge turn-on, but it can also aid in the relationship between a Dominant and submissive partner, acting as a form of communication and adding in a softness that affirms to both partners that the acts are mutual, despite a distinct division of “power” in the dynamic. Giving praise can also be a form of furthering that act of Dominance with control - telling someone how good they are for you, how they take it so well.
On the flipside, praise can be an interesting way to play erotically with discomfort. Have you ever had someone give you a compliment that left you completely flustered and you didn’t know how to respond? Been called something that could be seen as insulting (or even offensive) to an outsider but that was said with affection? Maybe you felt really awkward receiving a compliment, or even uncomfortable? That can be a thing, too. “A praise kink won't always be expressed by just hearing the occasional positive words - it might actually be more like a barrage, the kind that might even make the recipient struggle to take it in,” Queen explains. “The discomfort of hearing praise can be a feature, not a bug. People might want to do it to give each other loving words, sure, but also to push those tender emotional places left over by shame or too little praise over the course of one's life.”
For more on BDSM, check out our blog on how to get started in exploring kink.
How do I explore a praise kink?
There are different types of praise, so getting started is as easy as knowing which one gets you going. Are you into getting simple compliments about your appearance? Being told you’re doing a good job? Being worshiped and revered? Having praise and degradation combined together? Then, what words do you like or dislike? Maybe you’re really into the idea of being called “a good little slut” but being called “a filthy little slut” doesn’t make you feel nearly as good, or that you like being called “hot” or “sexy” but being called “cute” feels too twee for you. Possibly you only want to be praised for the things that you’re doing, and not how you look doing it.
Like any other type of play - kink or otherwise - check in with your partner to see if they actually want this incorporated into your sex life. Just because someone loves compliments in day-to-day life doesn’t mean that they want to bring it into the bedroom as well. Or, someone may just like validation in the bedroom without having an actual kink for praise - maybe they just like to hear out loud that they’re pleasing you, or you simply like to make sure your partner knows how good they feel. Again, something that may seem the same can be vastly different when applied in a sexual or erotic context - so ask!
Exploring praise language:
If you’re here and reading this, you probably have already heard something or said something that piqued your interest regarding the world of praise kinks - so you’re one step ahead. You’re doing so well, love.
Once you know what you and your partner both like to say and hear, try out some common praise phrases. Just like we recommend for dirty talk, try this out in the mirror by yourself. Even on the receiving end, trying them aloud and fantasizing what it may sound like coming from a partner may signal to you which are the ones that send a shiver down your spine.
Say what's on your mind. When you fantasize about your partner, what are the traits or scenarios that make those thoughts steamy? Compliments are best when they're specific to the person and come straight from the heart. Praise is about admiration, about regarding someone highly - these words hold so much more weight when they're personal.
Try these:
Compliment their sexual play. If you want to really let your partner know what feels good or what you love that they do, tell them in the form of praise.You can also use these phrases to check in about an act before getting into it - telling your partner what you want or asking them about it out loud gives them the opportunity to clearly consent before moving forward.
-
You’re doing such a good job
-
I love when you use your tongue / hands / body like that
-
You’re doing so well for me
-
I want to feel you when you [action]
-
You make me so hot / so wet / so hard
-
I never get tired of the way you [action]
-
I think you can take it - will you take it for me?
-
Come and [action] like a good girl / boy / pet / etc
-
I’m so proud of how you [action]
-
I could have you like this for hours
-
Nobody does [action] like you
-
You fuck me so good
-
You always know just what to do
Admire their physical traits: A pillar of praise, telling someone how they look (or sound, or taste, and so on) can be a great option for this kink - especially if you don't consider yourself a wordsmith, you can simply compliment what you’re experiencing! Again, check in - some people don’t want to have their body spoken about, and that’s something that needs to be respected.
-
You look so good on your knees
-
I’ve been fantasizing about seeing you like this for so long
-
You’re so hard / so wet / so turned on for me
-
Look at you
-
I want to look at you when you fuck me
-
Let me hear you moan
-
Your smell makes me go wild
-
I can’t get enough of the way you taste
-
Your face is so pretty when you come for me
Get specific: It can be hot to say “you’re doing so well for me,” and even hotter to say “you do so well when you take me like this, spread out all pretty and moaning for me.” Praise kinks are about language, so adding some flourish and details to let them know exactly how they make you feel can add to the experience.
Try using terms of endearment: Using terms of endearment, pet names, or nicknames can be an easy way to get started with exploration of a praise kink. Ask your partner what they like and what they’re comfortable with - are gendered terms like good girl or good boy okay? Do you want to use honorifics like Sir, Ma’am, Mistress, Daddy, or Mommy? Are terms like plaything or slut up your alley?
If you’re still feeling stuck, reading erotica can be a great source of inspiration. Erotica also depends on language, so there’s no shortage of words and phrases that you can experiment with and see what feels good to hear or what feels right rolling off of your tongue.
Giving this kink a try can help open up the avenues to a lot of other benefits - increasing awareness of your partner’s traits (physical, sexual, personality), adding in extra communication during your play, and even increasing intimacy through conversation. So, be a good babe and go use that pretty little mouth to explore some praise in the bedroom - I just know you can do it so well.
