Kink at Pride
Every year, we see the same discourse take over social media from a single question - does kink belong at Pride?
First and foremost, we want to make it clear that we believe consent is always essential, and that includes playing in a public space. Kink at Pride isn’t about the ability to openly display sex acts (unless you’re in a contained consensual space, like a Pride play party, where that’s part of the agenda) but rather about the importance of self-expression.
Let’s dive in.
The history of Kink at Pride
Queer activist and author Amber Hollibough wrote in her 1997 book that “for some people, gay rights and gay liberation do not hinge on particulars of sexual desire. [We] aren’t just our erotic identities - but, for many of us, it does begin there, does revolve around the ways we organize our erotic choices.”
Community and culture
Queerness isn’t exclusively about sex, and kink doesn’t need to be either - both can exist in a context where culture and community are at the forefront. After all, asexuals and folks on the ace spectrum are part of the Queer community, and while asexuality is a sexual orientation (or, put another way, an orientation regarding sex/sexual attraction), many folks in the ace community are drawn to kink and consider it separate from sex.
During the AIDS crisis, members of the Leather community (namely leathermen and leatherdykes) were among some of the first to take collective action - hosting parties and BDSM events to raise money towards medical bills, taking radical steps towards safer sex advocacy, and even acting as nurses when patients were being shunned by the combined stigma of Queerness and AIDS. This is all so much so that the city of San Francisco has officially recognized the Leather community for their leadership in this support, and that the Leather flag is commonly grouped with and shown among other traditional Pride flags.
Authentically ourselves, proudly self-expressive
Before Pride, people were expected to hide. Many felt they had no choice. In these times, maintaining that choice is important to virtually everyone in the LGBTQIA+ communities. Because there are plenty of people who want us to go back to the closet or worse. Never doubt that everyone out there is standing up for themselves.
Expression ≠ obscenity
Pride and sexuality in the context of Pride isn’t necessarily about what you do sexually/erotically per se, but about orientation and identity (and people who share an orientation can do different things!). It's still controversial whether kink interest is an orientation in the same way as others, but it's another erotic/play interest that has historically been shamed. Have you ever heard your kinky friend call themselves a pervert? Perv and pervert have been reclaimed by kinksters as identity terms and used with pride by many. But in the bad old days, they were simply slurs.
Trappings of BDSM, fetish and kink are still somewhat controversial at Pride, at least in some places. But if the past few years have taught us anything, it's that the most vanilla, conservative, married, barely-out-of-the-closet LGB person will be vilified by haters just like the leather daddies, bulldaggers, trans folx of all identities, drag queens, and anyone who - as the OG Queers used to say - is "not for street wear."
So when we are "letting our freak flags fly" (hey we are not calling you a freak!), we are standing up for all—for diversity, pervery, and being ourselves.
Wearing subtle nods to kink
Not every kinkster is going to rock black leather, drip with chains, wear a tiny bit of lace and a sparkly collar, or whatever sexy look comes to mind. But for members of kink communities, part of Pride IS showing up the way they would to a hot party, or dressed according to the identity that is most meaningful to them, because like everyone else on the street during this important day, they are standing up to shame and being visible.
The sexual aspect of kink at Pride
While we are saying that kink doesn’t necessarily need to be sexual, for some it absolutely is - and that’s something to be celebrated, too! Beyond that, Pride is a vessel for a long-practiced cultural act within the community: cruising. Wearing fetish gear can be a way to flag, which is a term for letting folks know what you’re into in bed through an accessory or article of clothing. A collar around your neck to convey your submissive identity, showing off your place in the pup play community with a mask, or - most traditionally - a colorful handkerchief or scarf worn in the pocket to tell someone a specific fetish or kink through the decades-old Hanky Code.
Kinky accessories for Pride
Looking to show off your kinky side at Pride, want to flag to potential partners at the gay bar, or simply want a sexy look to rock at the afters? These accessories are perfect for making a statement through fashion, and can come in handy once you get back to the bedroom post-party.
Chest harnesses
It’s Summer, it’s hot, and you wanna show off your bod - chest harnesses are a great way to do that, since they look incredible with or without a shirt on underneath. From leather harnesses that have O rings to affix a leash or some bondage rope, decorative harnesses adorned with chains, or even simple linear harnesses to draw attention to your chest, this is a simple way to rock something kinky in a fashion-forward way.
Collars
Collars as daily accessories have been becoming increasingly popular, so whether you’re showing yours off as a nod to your subby side, as a way to say “I’m taken” (especially if you wear a lock with it), or simply because they’re a cute alternative to vanilla necklaces, these pieces of gear range from delicate and feminine kitten collars to bold and brash leather collars to pair perfectly with a leash (and hopefully a hottie to lead you with it!)
Handcuffs
You know the saying “if you stay ready, you don’t have to get ready”? Wearing your handcuffs as wristbands makes for a hot embellishment to your outfit and also allows you to stay bondage ready if you end up taking the night somewhere more private. Pro-tip: if your cuffs have a detachable connector, use it as a keyring or carabiner so you have it accessible and have another matching accessory (p.s. - wearing a keyring on your belt loops is one of the ways lesbians, dykes, and other WLW have historically flagged their sapphic status!)
Fetish masks and hoods
Masks are a great way to convey specific kinks or fetishes that you might have - like roleplay or pet play with an animal-inspired mask, or heavier bondage with a hood - or they can give a sexy air of mystery and/or allow for some anonymity when you’re out in the streets (whether or not you’re out and proud, not everyone wants to be seen, especially with so many folks snapping social media pics non-stop at these events).
Let that kinky side shine
With one of the fundamental principles of Pride being liberation - both sexual liberation and liberation from cultural shame - normalizing Queer expression needs to be a priority. This includes recognizing the importance of Queer countercultures and subcultures and allowing for the open celebration of them. Pride will always be political, and it will always be a fight against compromising our identities for the sake of mainstream acceptance. Kink deserves a place there, too.
