How to Build and Cultivate Intimacy in a Queer Relationship: Couples’ Toys for LGBTQ+ Couples
Happy Pride Season! As this rainbow time of the year approaches, we gather and celebrate our connection with the LGBTQIA+ community. This summer, I encourage you to also focus on your own personal intimate queer relationships. Whether you’ve got a new crush, a new hot play partner or have a long-term committed boo, now is the time to cultivate a stronger, sexier, more passionate bond.
Starting a queer relationship
For folks embarking on their first queer relationship, it can be challenging to know where to start. For those who have been together for a while, it’s easy to become complacent sexually. Queerness welcomes fluidity and change, offering exhilarating opportunities for sexual exploration. It’s never too late to try something new, strengthen communication skills, or even empower ourselves and each other sexually. What better way to celebrate our vibrant selves than with some vibrant orgasms!
If you’re on the start of your LGBTQIA+ journey, don’t stress if you don’t have all the answers. You might not know your gender or your sexuality or what to write on your dating profile and that’s okay! Taking your time and immersing yourself in your community is vital. One way to do this is to spend time reading books written by folks who’ve already undergone their own journeys. These can be explainers to necessities like consent, understanding gender diversity, sex guides specific to your identity, or even books that will help you cultivate a relationship outside of monogamy. Understanding yourself and what you want is the backbone of creating intimacy with others.
Exploring queer intimacy
Now, let’s chat about getting hot and heavy. Understanding your play partner is key, whether it’s someone from a hookup app, a long distance lover visiting for Pride weekend or a sweetie you wake up to every morning in your shared condo. Asking curious questions and being open helps make you a safe partner to try new toys and sex acts with. Being direct is always ideal, but I know that can be intimidating. Sharing fantasies or using a Yes/No/Maybe list are great starting points. Watching queer porn together, reading erotica out loud before bed or attending a rope-tying workshop together are also stellar ways to start conversations.
How do queer couples have sex?
Some folks might ask “how do queer people have sex” to which I would reply, “how DON’T we have sex?” Nothing is off limits here! Let your imagination go wild! There are so many queer sex toys to play with, so many holes to explore! Throw the roles and rules out the window and dive into what feels good. If you’re not sure what you’re into, that’s okay. I’m here to offer a helpful guide, but remember: there are no wrong turns on this sexual journey!
Start by looking inward about what makes you feel sexy and affirmed. Consider what aspects of your body, your gender and/or your sexuality you haven’t explored yet. This can be a particularly playful area to explore with your partner. If you usually feel sexy in lingerie, try to spice things up differently and put on a jock strap (or vice versa)! Curious about exploring your gender presentation? Try out a packer, a binder or a gaff and see how it feels. Dressing up can help us boost our confidence as we dress down, and anything that adds a little gender euphoria to our evening is just the cherry on top.
Sex toys for queer folks
If you’re on the hunt for some gender-affirming sex toys, we’ve got you covered. First things first: invest in a quality lube before delving into the wild wondrous world of sex toys! Water-based is a safe place to start as it’s compatible with toys and safer sex supplies. Remember with sex toys that the journey is the destination. Half of the fun is trying something new with someone you find sexy.
Vibes
Let’s kick off our jerking off journey with a classic: the vibrator. Wand-style vibes like the infamous Magic Wand make amazing solo and couples toys. They’re strong, rumbly and ideal for both masturbation or grinding between two bodies. This toy can also feel great on the perineum. For someone’s first vibrator however, the Magic Wand can feel unwieldy so I recommend the Fun Factory Laya III as an alternative. Designed to fit in the palm of your hand, this toy can tease testicals, a vulva, a penis and other erogenous zones.
Booty toys
Now let’s move on to a body part we all have and should all adore: butts! Anal play can be incredibly intimate–and incredibly sexy–so don’t shy away from exploring this sensitive area! A vibrating plug such as The Anybody’s Plug is a marvelous place to start. Not too large and with a friendly taper that’ll ease inside comfortable, this is a great toy to wear during other sexual acts. If you and your partners are already butt buddies, the Avant Pride True Blue Dildo makes an excellent toy for prostate (and G-spot) pleasure!
Penetration, dildos, and strap-ons, oh my!
Speaking of penetration, there are many different toys to put inside many different holes. The Jix Vibrator from the trans-owned company Cute Little Fuckers is thin enough for a beginner and designed to stimulate internally and externally. The stainless steel Njoy Pure Wand has a cult following for its ability to make many bodies squirt. If you’re interested in exploring this, and orgasms in general, check out this article which goes more in-depth into cumming for folks with vulvas.
Dildos are great for not just bangin’ a partner but can also be incredibly affirming as well. Double-ended dildos mean both parties are being penetrated simultaneously, which means double-the pleasure and double the fun. Realistic dildos can add some delicious gender affirming feelings during sex. Here’s more on exploring strap-on play.
External + sensation play
For non-penetrative toys, check out the inclusive Fun Factory Manta Vibrator. This inclusive penis vibrator can be used in a myriad of ways and boasts deep rumbly vibrations. The Temptasia Clitoral Pumping System lets folks with clits temporarily change their anatomy to make it larger and more sensitive. This can be particularly affirming for folks on or thinking about starting testosterone. We must not forget what fun nipples can be to play with as well! Nipple clamps let you add a little pain into your playtime. Nipple toys, such as these Tweezer Tip Jewel Chain Clamps, are genderless and can mix a little bit of pain into your pleasure.
Indulge in touch
Sex toys can add to your intimacy but they won’t replace good ol’ fashioned skin-on-skin. Basking in the afterglow with a hottie is one of life’s true treasures. So while you’re creating your Pride plans this summer, be sure to leave plenty of time to get naked and intimate with the ones you love.
Archie Bongiovanni is a writer and comic artist living in Minneapolis whose work centers around queerness and chosen family and frequently sex toys. Their graphic novel, A Quick And Easy Guide To They/Them Pronouns, co-written with Tristan Jimerson, has won multiple awards.
Archie’s other graphic novels include Grease Bats, Mimosa and History Comics: Stonewall, illustrated by A. Andrews and Yes I'm Flagging: Queer Flagging 101. You can find their work on their website but they're much more fun on Instagram.
