Playing as a Party: Group Sex 101

From threesomes to orgies and play parties of various sizes- the idea of sex with more than just one partner is definitely something we see topping many a sexual fantasy to-do list. And while you don't always have to put your fantasies into action – if you’re into it, the world of group sex is exciting and enticing, and can be something that’s worth exploring.

If you don’t already have a consenting list of playmates at the ready, getting access to group play can sometimes be tricky – especially considering all of the privacy that surrounds many of these spaces. When it comes to pre-planned events - big-city Queer communities usually have parties to be found, there are swingers' groups all over the US that cater to binary couples, there are parties with themes and focuses around fetishes and kinks. (BTW- the terrific book Playing Well With Others is full of useful insight here.)

With that, most of these events aren’t something you can just Google to find (again, privacy), and many will have a vetting process which means that you can’t just meander in off the streets. Vetting – in this context - is when someone goes through an approval process before being granted entry to a play space or club, commonly through being invited by someone who is already part of that space.

So, if you can't find your way into an existing event, you can turn to the wonderful world of – you guessed it – dating and meet-up apps. While there are some sites and apps that are more geared to kinky folks (or anyone that’s not strictly looking for mono-romantic interactions), being up front – either on your profile or when you start chatting - about why you’re on the site is key.  Are you looking to be invited to a party? Are you looking to host? Who are you looking to play with? What kinds of play are you into? Group sex can look wildly different for different folks, and so your fantasy may not be up everyone’s alley, even if they’re an orgy aficionado.

Let’s say that your quest is successful, and you find your new playmates. Before you hop into bed (or couch, or dungeon, or…) there are some basics to consider:

Especially if any of the people involved are new to this, make sure everyone's on the same page about issues like safer sex practices and standards, and expectations for how this will all go down. Remember, everyone’s idea of what they want to get into may be different, so "do you want to have sex?" is not a detailed enough question for informed consent. Go through a process of scene negotiation (read more on what that means here), decide on a group safeword, and make sure everyone knows it and kicks things off on the same page.

When trying something new, we may want to ease the tension with some refreshments or – ehrm - party favors to “get things rolling” – but make sure that you don't lean on alcohol or other substances where they have the potential to affect anyone’s ability to give full consent. (Plus, if you've bothered to find or create a play party, you want to remember the experience!)  

As things start getting hot, the consent process isn’t completely over. Check in with your partners as you go, and remember that sharing is caring – everyone is there to have fun, and unless it’s been decided that you’re going to have the sole spotlight, you want to make sure that attention gets spread out to anyone who wants it.

Respect boundaries – including your own. It’s okay to take breaks. Taking breaks for our physical body – doing things like hydrating and re-applying lube can be very important, as well as taking breaks for our minds as well. There can be a lot going on at once here, and needing to step away from the action for a bit to re-group is nothing to feel any shame about. You don’t want to end up having a bad time because you felt it important to prove your “stamina”. Maybe even stay a part of the party apart from the party by flipping your position to voyeur while you take 5.

And – remember – it’s way more likely than not that this isn’t going to be a play-by-play perfect replica of your fantasy, and that’s okay! Group sex is a wonderful way to explore our bodies, discover new kinks, and new likes – but it can also be a bit of trial and error. Maybe the idea of something was way hotter than actually trying it, and that’s okay – you tried! The important part is, again, communicating and making sure that everyone (yourself included) is having a good time.

So, if you dream of sexy puppy piles, hot three-ways, pervy play parties, sensual swingers parties, or all of the above – prep your communication skills, and see why they say “the more, the merrier”.